My Gift to You

I have a few things around here that I'd love to accomplish....once I get around to it. I plan to get around to it. Something always seems to get in the way.

However, I did take the time to help you to get around to it......






Hope that helps. Let me know, I mean, when you get around to it.

How to Cross-Stitch with Young Children

Here's an update on My Craft Project. I thought I'd share my new discovery....... how a Mommy can actually work on her own craft project while the kids are still young!

First, find a large steel-like container with locks. Restrain your kids inside, each with a separate restraining device. Have snacks and drinks and bottles and toys readily available to throw to them when you just can't stand their protests any longer. An Ipod is a nice touch, for yourself of course. Lock them inside.

Works great! Here's my cross-stitch after several hours:



That's going to be a baby's footprint. I hope to get Mr. Baby's name on it by the time he graduates college.

Oh, by the way.....while your kids are strapped in the locked container, you'll have to make sure that someone else is driving. And make certain that the restraining devices are installed properly. Be prepared to answer many variations of the question "Are we there yet?" in ways that satisfy the pickiest of captives for at least 10 minutes at a stretch. Furthermore, at the current gas prices, you might want to evaluate how necessary your project really is. This has got to be the most costly friggin' unfinished project that I've ever not yet finished.

"You Were Right"

I think that these are three words (put together in this exact order) that men really crave to hear. You know, after you've been on his case for what he left lying around, didn't turn off, was proved wrong because, because, because. These three words to his weary ears are male ear candy, I'm betting.

So, I'm saying for the record that I WAS WRONG and HE WAS RIGHT about something tonight.

Honey, I was wrong. You were right. Want me to whisper that in your ear during the throes of passion?

Is there an adult video for men called "You Were Right"? Imagine this phrase whispered by those sultry "actresses" into male ears. It would sell millions, I'm certain.

Neighborhood Romancer: Lame Update

Another sign appeared this week from the Neighborhood Romancer:


This sign reads "I love you. Have a great day."

**YAWN**

I did want to be more exciting and post a sign from me to this stalker-ish type requesting an update on his conquest. But not knowing the legal ramifications of temporarily defiling a street sign, I was afraid this would be me at the local Post Office bulletin board:




Nah. I'll wait to see his poster instead. I hope he's cute.

You're All Out

Designers, you have failed Project Runaway.


Perhaps you forgot to "make it work"?

Project Runaway

Designers, gather 'round.

For your next assignment, I'd like for you to fabricate One Big Break for me. Think big. Think high-rise 5-star hotel room with room service. Conceptualize peace and quiet. Visualize a beautiful view, a t.v. that actually tunes into adult material, and crisp, clean ironed sheets. Imagine staff that cleans before and after me. Don't forget the details like the trusted wet nurse/nanny that will need to handle the home during my absence. Budget? Who cares at this point, just go. Start sketching now. I'll be making the puppet talk for my 3 year old until your task is complete. Please make sure this is executed within a reasonable timeframe, or the puppet gets it. I will seriously auf him.

Project Runaway Results

Jimmy Crack Crocs

My son wears fake crocs, and I don't care.

Sometimes with socks, and I don't care.

He thinks they're cool, that's all I care.....

'Cause I didn't throw his college funds away-ayyyyyyyyy.

On overpriced hype.

That probably costs 34 cents to manufacture.

When right now, he doesn't care.

Oh woe is me when he does,

Check back with me then.

Mommies Who Cheat

A revelation of sorts has finally hit me. I now know why I am no contender at all whatsoever in the unofficial contest to be the most efficient, most interesting, most rambunctious, most talented, most domestic, most creative, most mostest of the mostest of the Mommies in my corner of the universe. It's because I don't like coffee!!! Yeah, that's it!

Mommies who like-a-the-java are the ones who, with an "it's nothing" wave of their hands, announce that they make a list of things to do at 6:30 a.m., after their showers, while they're having their first Cup o' Joe. What? What the hell are they doing up that early, and is that how they get a shower in the first place? So that's how they look so damned crisp and clean, with their ironed cotton shirts, etc. They are on something! Yeah, that's it! I'd get up at 6:00 a.m. too if I could get a fix like that.

Me? I do this Mommy thing without performance enhancing drugs. I'm clean, ya'll. So there. At the end of the race, you perky Moms would test positive for cheating. I reign supreme. Yes, me dragging myself around all day on my other two feet......my top lip and my bottom lip.....I win! Even if by default, I'm doing it "Honest Abe" here, and that's what I plan to teach my children. What are you teaching yours, you violators of decency? Humph.

Oh, and the amount of caffeinated soda that I drink daily? Well, that just doesn't count.

Creative Financing

I love Dr. Toffifay (DDS) because there is never a wait, he charges under a dollar (if you get the standard visit), he's eye candy, and he smells good. Since it had been a while since my last visit, I decided to pick up the deluxe visit at $1.64. Here's how my visit went:

Incisors:
Sharp enough to scrape the scrumptious chocolate circle off of the top. Nothing loose. Perfectly straight first scrape. (Dr. Toffifay dabbles a little in orthodontia as well.)

Canines and Bicuspids:
Bite is nice and even. No sensitivity to sugar. And no sensitivity to cold, either (per refrigerated version).

Back molars:
Grind and chew hazelnut nicely. Don't chip or break.

Gums:
They're still there holding my teeth in, they must be ok.

New Toothbrush:
Didn't come with either package, but with Mr. Toffifay's prices, who cares.

Final Result:
Satisfied patient. Satisfied checkbook.


Parents have to be creative when they must do without certain things....in this instance......dental insurance. We do pony it up and take Mr. Preschool to a Pediatric Dentist for check-ups. I go to Walmart, aisle 15. And even though our female dentist is a drop-dead gorgeous knockout, Mr. Husband just quit going. Now that's love.

My Craft Project

Because I have been inspired by a few crafty blogs and this has been on my to-do list for 8 months anyway, I'd like to take a minute to brag on what I am finally working on here:

Before:

Three Weeks Later:




This is my small cross-stitch project, my beautiful work in process. Notice how deftly I removed the supplies from the bag. Notice that I have not yet made one mistake. Not one. It is pure perfection. You can't criticize any of my stitching, can you? Aaaaah. Perhaps it is so incredibly fault-free that I should just stop here. Why mess with perfection?

You envy me, no? You so want to hire me for your home craft projects, I can sense it. And if you have seen my previous artwork in MS Paint, I'm sure that you want to hire me as a graphics artist as well.

Sorry, I'm busy for the next 18 years, at least. It's a shame, I know. There, there. Don't cry.

Arched Backibus Infantmus

Baby #1 very rarely suffered from the affliction known as Arched Backibus Infantmus, the phenomenon that occurs when your child wildly arches his back away from the car seat, screaming, arms flailing, as you try to get him buckled in. So, what a surprise when Baby #2 came along. Baby #2 has a case of Chronic Arched Backibus Infantmus.



A.K.A.: Why I'd rather stay home and blog.

Not So Normal

A few days ago, Blogging Chicks was kind enough to add me to their blogroll. I got a quick and perky response, and now have this cool whatchamacallit added down to your right. You can browse the other chickies' links there. Cool, huh? I didn't even break a fingernail adding it.

Anyway, my thanks to Blogging Chicks for seeing outside of the box and letting me join the roll. Because I'm not your normal Mommy blogger pouring over literary style and grammar. I'm here to have fun. To behave childishly, because hey, I'm the adult all day. Y'know?!

So, now I leave you with this illustration. Recognize this? I get to deal with it every time around here.


I'll wink at you if you get it right.