Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
How to Cross-Stitch with Young Children
First, find a large steel-like container with locks. Restrain your kids inside, each with a separate restraining device. Have snacks and drinks and bottles and toys readily available to throw to them when you just can't stand their protests any longer. An Ipod is a nice touch, for yourself of course. Lock them inside.
Works great! Here's my cross-stitch after several hours:
That's going to be a baby's footprint. I hope to get Mr. Baby's name on it by the time he graduates college.
Oh, by the way.....while your kids are strapped in the locked container, you'll have to make sure that someone else is driving. And make certain that the restraining devices are installed properly. Be prepared to answer many variations of the question "Are we there yet?" in ways that satisfy the pickiest of captives for at least 10 minutes at a stretch. Furthermore, at the current gas prices, you might want to evaluate how necessary your project really is. This has got to be the most costly friggin' unfinished project that I've ever not yet finished.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
"You Were Right"
So, I'm saying for the record that I WAS WRONG and HE WAS RIGHT about something tonight.
Honey, I was wrong. You were right. Want me to whisper that in your ear during the throes of passion?
Is there an adult video for men called "You Were Right"? Imagine this phrase whispered by those sultry "actresses" into male ears. It would sell millions, I'm certain.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Neighborhood Romancer: Lame Update
This sign reads "I love you. Have a great day."
**YAWN**
I did want to be more exciting and post a sign from me to this stalker-ish type requesting an update on his conquest. But not knowing the legal ramifications of temporarily defiling a street sign, I was afraid this would be me at the local Post Office bulletin board:
Nah. I'll wait to see his poster instead. I hope he's cute.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
Project Runaway
Designers, gather 'round.
For your next assignment, I'd like for you to fabricate One Big Break for me. Think big. Think high-rise 5-star hotel room with room service. Conceptualize peace and quiet. Visualize a beautiful view, a t.v. that actually tunes into adult material, and crisp, clean ironed sheets. Imagine staff that cleans before and after me. Don't forget the details like the trusted wet nurse/nanny that will need to handle the home during my absence. Budget? Who cares at this point, just go. Start sketching now. I'll be making the puppet talk for my 3 year old until your task is complete. Please make sure this is executed within a reasonable timeframe, or the puppet gets it. I will seriously auf him.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Jimmy Crack Crocs
- My son wears fake crocs, and I don't care.
- Sometimes with socks, and I don't care.
- He thinks they're cool, that's all I care.....
- 'Cause I didn't throw his college funds away-ayyyyyyyyy.
- He thinks they're cool, that's all I care.....
- On overpriced hype.
- That probably costs 34 cents to manufacture.
- When right now, he doesn't care.
- Oh woe is me when he does,
- Check back with me then.
- That probably costs 34 cents to manufacture.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Mommies Who Cheat
Mommies who like-a-the-java are the ones who, with an "it's nothing" wave of their hands, announce that they make a list of things to do at 6:30 a.m., after their showers, while they're having their first Cup o' Joe. What? What the hell are they doing up that early, and is that how they get a shower in the first place? So that's how they look so damned crisp and clean, with their ironed cotton shirts, etc. They are on something! Yeah, that's it! I'd get up at 6:00 a.m. too if I could get a fix like that.
Me? I do this Mommy thing without performance enhancing drugs. I'm clean, ya'll. So there. At the end of the race, you perky Moms would test positive for cheating. I reign supreme. Yes, me dragging myself around all day on my other two feet......my top lip and my bottom lip.....I win! Even if by default, I'm doing it "Honest Abe" here, and that's what I plan to teach my children. What are you teaching yours, you violators of decency? Humph.
Oh, and the amount of caffeinated soda that I drink daily? Well, that just doesn't count.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Creative Financing
Incisors:
Sharp enough to scrape the scrumptious chocolate circle off of the top. Nothing loose. Perfectly straight first scrape. (Dr. Toffifay dabbles a little in orthodontia as well.)
Canines and Bicuspids:
Bite is nice and even. No sensitivity to sugar. And no sensitivity to cold, either (per refrigerated version).
Back molars:
Grind and chew hazelnut nicely. Don't chip or break.
Gums:
They're still there holding my teeth in, they must be ok.
New Toothbrush:
Didn't come with either package, but with Mr. Toffifay's prices, who cares.
Final Result:
Satisfied patient. Satisfied checkbook.
Parents have to be creative when they must do without certain things....in this instance......dental insurance. We do pony it up and take Mr. Preschool to a Pediatric Dentist for check-ups. I go to Walmart, aisle 15. And even though our female dentist is a drop-dead gorgeous knockout, Mr. Husband just quit going. Now that's love.
Friday, August 04, 2006
My Craft Project
Before:
Three Weeks Later:
This is my small cross-stitch project, my beautiful work in process. Notice how deftly I removed the supplies from the bag. Notice that I have not yet made one mistake. Not one. It is pure perfection. You can't criticize any of my stitching, can you? Aaaaah. Perhaps it is so incredibly fault-free that I should just stop here. Why mess with perfection?
You envy me, no? You so want to hire me for your home craft projects, I can sense it. And if you have seen my previous artwork in MS Paint, I'm sure that you want to hire me as a graphics artist as well.
Sorry, I'm busy for the next 18 years, at least. It's a shame, I know. There, there. Don't cry.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Arched Backibus Infantmus
A.K.A.: Why I'd rather stay home and blog.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Not So Normal
Anyway, my thanks to Blogging Chicks for seeing outside of the box and letting me join the roll. Because I'm not your normal Mommy blogger pouring over literary style and grammar. I'm here to have fun. To behave childishly, because hey, I'm the adult all day. Y'know?!
So, now I leave you with this illustration. Recognize this? I get to deal with it every time around here.
I'll wink at you if you get it right.