The Broadcast of Meme

This blog would like to apologize for the delay in the broadcast of this meme. I apologize to my fellow network for any inconvenience that this may have caused the blogosphere.

Brought to you by: Oblivious Maven
Produced by: Oblivious Maven
Written by: Oblivious Maven


THE MEME

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Puke Target
2. Diaper Smeller
3. Monster Exterminator
4. Puppeteer
(One of these days I'm going to get a paying job again.)

Four movies I could watch over and over (and do):
1. 'Say Anything' (repeat)
2. 'Say Anything' (repeat)
3. 'Say Anything' (repeat)
4. 'Say Anything' (repeat)
(I really do.)

Four places I have lived:
1. At the base of the porcelain throne.
2. At the mercy of my College Algebra professor. (Actually, he was merciless.)
3. In jeopardy.
4. To tell a tale. Like Madonna. Although her tales are probably much more interesting.

Four things I like to do:
1. Sleep
2. Sleep late
3. Nap
4. Examine the inside of my eyelids

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chips
2. Refried beans w/ cheese
3. Salsa
4. Top the above with sour cream and eat four servings

Four places I would like to be right now:
1. In Ebriated
2. Out to lunch
3. In Ecstasy
4. Done with this already, my eyelids need further inspection.



THIS MEME HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED BY A WORD FROM MY SPONSORS MY ABSURDITY.








This is really yummy.













I can't believe I ate the whole thing.






WE NOW RETURN TO THE REGULAR SCHEDULED MEME.



Four Websites I visit daily:
1. I'm not clicking there again.
2. Ack!! I told myself I wasn't going to click there again.
3. Crap. Someone stop me or at least tell me that they don't know that I clicked there again!?!?
4. Click! Damn it. They are totally calling the FBI on me.

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Out of my mind.
2. Up the creek without a paddle.
3. At the end of my rope.
4. Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Four friends I think might respond:
None. No way am I tagging anyone else. I'm "it" and "it" I'll stay. And as always, impossible to define within any normal set of parameters.

If I Were a Robot

Assignment:
Raise Two Human Beings

Scanning Database
Scanning Database
Scanning Database
Scanning Database

Processing Information
Processing Information
Processing Information
Processing Information
Processing Information
Processing Information

ERROR!: Can Not Process Information

ERROR REPORT:
* Too Many Conflicting Child-Rearing Models from Professionals
* Too Much Conficting Advice from Meddling Humans
* No Mathematical Solution
* Can Not Solve Ethical, Moral, and Spiritual Problems
* Can Not Control Environmental and Societal Issues
* Can Not Reply to "Where Do Babies Come From?" Without Rebooting Twice

Retry?
Y

Scanning Database
Scanning Database
Scanning Database
Scanning Database

ERROR!: Can Not Process Information


Robot Has Encountered a MAJOR ERROR!

Robot Can Not Recover from MAJOR ERROR!


ERROR!
ERROR!


BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP


OVERLOAD


OVERHEATING


OVERLOAD


WARNING!


DANGER!


spark, crackle, fizzle, spark-spark-spark, fzzzssfffttttttttt............














KER-BLAM !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free & Valuable Marital Advice

Do not insult a man's barbecue.

"Friends" Episode Post

This Is the One Where I Could Post Something Really Significant for Once. But I Don't.

Baby Massage

Not for the baby, silly. For you. This is how the baby can give you a massage. You can probably find instructions all over cyberspace on parent-to-baby massage. But where do you go for baby-to-parent massage? Here, of course.

First, grab a snug-fitting long-sleeve shirt. Get a hot glue gun and fasten toys to the back. Perhaps a toy piano/xylophone, hammer/nails set, stuffed animals that pull & vibrate back, etc. Like this:


Put it on, then lay down on the floor. Make sure that the baby can not get out of the room and that the only toys he has are on your back. The less noise the toys make, the better, mine needs work.

There, aren't you a great parent? Your parenting skills are so powerful that you can entertain your baby in your sleep.

Really now, if you are inspired to manufacture these shirts, I'll take 3. Hurry. Babies grow up so fast.

Sasquatch Sighting!

Mr. Preschool had a bizillion vaccinations yesterday. Yet he sucked up his pain and his emotions and withstood the torture. I guess he stirred up a poltergeist or something, because the next thing we knew, this was roaming around our house:

It exited out of its lair this morning with a bow-legged type gait. For most of the day, it was very reclusive and mysteriously self-sufficient. It never once complained. This creature, this two-legged primate, was docile and eerily quiet and probably will not be seen again tomorrow. Tomorrow, the return of the Tasmanian Devil is surely emminent. And it probably has a score to settle with me.

If a Tree....

Q: If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
A: If the tree falls, it's lumber.

Q: If your baby cries all day. All day for no reason. Is it still human, or should you call Animal Control?
A: I found the number for Animal Control in the blue pages of the phone book. They couldn't hear me over the unidentified mammal wailing.

Q: Why is it that it's so unacceptable to Go Postal and it's quite OK to Go FedEx?
A: I'm not sure, but when I'm through with Being Postal, I'm Going FedEx. It won't be acceptable after I go that route, I promise.

Q: Why is it that your older child can make your younger child giggle so darned cute? Why is it that the full-bellied laughs they give each other are the best moments to witness on earth?
A: Doesn't matter why. Stop that useless peeing on the potty alone while you have a chance. This is more fun, enjoy! You can clean the puddle up later.

Q: Who holds the world's record for saying "I love you" to a child?
A: Me. Hands down. Me, me, me. Giving kisses too. Surprised? Yeah, it's me! I fooled you into slacking-off, and got ahead. You've got a lot of catching up to do. Now go!

Kick-Off at This Post !!

Here's to my beloved crimson-bellied husband, whose football widow I become each fall. He'd love for me to join in, but I don't know jack-crap about football. I only know that despite his shouting at the t.v., his long-distance dialing to his Dad 23 times/game to discuss a play, and his way-too-loud exclamations while the kids are sleeping, whether it be a touchdown or a bad call.........he's having fun. So, this is the best that I can do other than wearing my crimson, bringing him a beer, and asking when it's ok to talk while he's watching the game:




Hey, at least I didn't try this in MS Paint. And this is called multi-tasking. You know that Mr. Preschool and I were having quality time together. Really, I didn't sit at the kitchen table and color with crayons all by myself. I know, you don't believe me. That's ok.

Because I'm a Mess

I saw my parents and my in-laws last week. They all told me that I needed a Mom's Day Out and SOON for Mr. Baby. Yeah, I am a discombobulated, strung-out mess. Donald Trump would take one look at me and say "you're a complete disaster". I don't even try to hide it anymore, it's just too obvious.

Anyway, I got a note and a lovely pearl bracelet in the mail from my mother-in-law yesterday. In it, she told me that I was a great Mom and that things will get easier. Yes, you read that right. Focus on the point that she said "great"! Really now, focus, hone in on the fact that she didn't just say good, she said great. I certainly did.

Whoa, now! Will wonders never cease?

So, either I'm being too hard on myself because I'm doing a better job than I think I am, or she's blonde. Well, maybe it's a little of both. Either way, that was really sweet. And I believed it for a whole day. (I'm blonde, too.)