Stevie Wonder Syndrome

Where was this chick when I was in High School? Or has High School gotten that much more fun? This is a book report today!??!??!!



I did a stint on "Stevie Wonder Syndrome" in my Sophomore English class. I was supposed to do a "humorous speech". (The S.W. Syndrome is what you get when you hear a Stevie Wonder song and slowly start to pick up his mannerisms.) I thought that I was funny, until I forgot a part and crossed my eyes at myself. The teacher gave me a bad grade, citing "crossed eyes during speech".

I was before my time. To this day, I swear that that she secretly liked it, knowing that I was innovative, fresh, ingenious. And she just wished that she thought of it first. Ha!

Blonde Mother-in-Law

My mother-in-law is blonde.

She is great in many ways, but here is a short-coming..........

Without assistance, she can't open this:

Or this:



Or this:

Or this:

And she can't be the naive fake-fake vying for attention, because I've observed, and I've been an accomplice in the treachery.....I know that, without help, she can't open things like this:

And this:

And this:

I still think she's cool. After all, once I help her open stuff, she cooks for me and drinks with me. Pay attention to the latter part.

It's Not How Much You Weigh

A few summers ago, my husband decided to make an elaborate flower bed border along the perimeter of our back fence. It required him to load 3/4 ton of various doomaflochy into his Lexus XYZ-SUV (I'm too lazy to go look, it's the smaller one). Outside the Home Depot, a man stopped to ask him if he was sure he had "a three-quarter-ton truck there". My husband proceeded to tell him that he wasn't sure how much the Lexus weighed.

Now we know that a Three-Quarter-Ton Pickup Truck can haul exactly that, and how much it weighs is not in that equation. Who knew?

Just goes to show you. I can probably haul about 1/2 a dozen donuts, a six pack of Coke, and a burrito "as big as yo' face" at Chuy's in one day.

I must be a fine looking vehicle. Check out my back bumper.

Too Much Childhood TV Leads to ADHDD

Adult Dumbs Herself Down Daily

I’m so tired of hearing about Miffy, everyone is always saying “what a cute little bunny”, “sweet little bunny”, “smart little bunny” she is. Miffy’s an albino blonde bitch.

Cookie Monster………it’s about time someone nailed your blue, furry carcass to the wall. You never said “Mmmmmm, broccoli” in my day. I’ve had thousands of dollars of dental work done thanks to you. You’ll be seeing my attorney in the near future.

Dora the Explorer needs to explore another outfit. Pink and orange? And quit yakking about mixing choc-o-lat-tay and going for ice cream, my kid was eating pretzels until you brought that crap up.

Telly is majorly neurotic and in bad need of Prozac. Chill Telly, chill.

Why is Baby Bear’s newborn sister Curly Bear twice as big as Baby Bear?

Ever notice that Elmo sets-up the town idiot for failure, then makes fun of him? And everyone says he’s so damned sweet.

Ernie is always singing about his rubber “duckie”. Uh-huh. No wonder Bert dances like a pigeon.

Dora's Map.......I get it. You're the map. Please don't say it again. And just so you'll know, they make Ex-Lax for the turd, that by the sound of your voice, you can't quite squeeze out of your bum.

LazyTown………where is it and what are the current housing prices? And how to we get rid of that Sportacus nuisance?

Where the hell is Kermit? I’d rather hear him do the news than Katie Couric any day.

Rubbadubbers. Heh. Ernie’s friends, I surmise. I’ve never seen it. Must be on at 3:00 a.m. on HBO.

Pinky Dinky Doo, my favorite. I love a show that teaches my preschooler to yell repeatedly, “EAT IT”!