A Verse in Truth

There was a little boy,
Who had two little dimples
Right in the middle of each cheek.
When he was sweet,
He was very sweet indeed,
But when he was bad, it was unspeakable.

Really, I don't even want to talk about it.

By:
MoiHenry ForWadsItWorth LongfellowMaven

I Can't Pee Without You

I can't pee without you.
Can't pee without you.
Or use a tampon.
Or wipe my sweet tush.
Or shower and shave
Past 3 minutes straight
Without you.

Because............you sound like Cujo, a big FWOMP of a bloody St. Bernard bashing his head against the bathroom door if I try to shut it and try to pee without you. Both of you. And neither of you can possibly have rabies because I practice staunch immunization of my kids.

I'm calling Parent Protective Services.

What, they don't have Protective Services for parents? That is just wrong.

Calgon, Take Me Away. Far Away.

Aha! I have a GREAT idea! Why does Calgon take you away? Because here's what you do.......go buy all of it from the shelf from several stores. Tie all the boxes together like a raft. Go to the ocean, push it out, and let it TAKE YOU AWAY. Soap floats, right? Gawd, I hope I land in Aruba. This will be great!

No passengers! If Mommy really wants time for herself, Mommy must leave. No crying. No whining. No crying and no whining and no "where is _____, I can't find anything around here".

HA! Good luck finding ME. I'm floating away. I'll read up on how to speak Papiamento on the way. I'll need that in Aruba.

Ayo, mi darlings.

Kill the Termite! (Freeware Game)

Oh, look! In my spare time, I'm a video game programmer! This one is called "The Termitator". The object is to kill the termite. Like the ones eating into the side of my house.

Instructions:
Beat your monitor until you no longer see the termite. You may see a black screen, you may see the blue screen of death. Either means that you have successfully terminated the termite. You win!


Or, you could do what I did. Just throw lots and lots and lots and lots of money indirectly at it through an agency. According to all the pest control agencies, termites are deathly afraid of money. The more money you throw, the more effective. Warning, this method is a lot more costly and a lot more time consuming. But the game lasts longer, I'm still playing! Whoopie.

Killing Me Loudly

Expressing his pain with his lungs,
Screaming his frustration so loud,
Killing me loudly with his lungs,
Killing my eardrums with his screams,
Getting on my last nerve, my last nerve,
Killing me loudly, I'm gonna die!!!!!!

I saw one molar coming in, then I counted three more.
And so they're all coming in, and through his gums they tore.
And there he was this young boy, who turned into a spook show....

Expressing his pain with his lungs,
Screaming his frustration so loud,
Killing me loudly with his lungs,
Killing my eardrums with his screams,
Getting on my last nerve, my last nerve,
Killing me loudly, oh my, oh my!!!!!!

I feel so sadly for him, embarrassed by my rant.
I hope he never finds my blog and reads it all out loud.
But then again, he won't stop, It's driving me insane.........

Expressing his pain with his lungs,
Screaming his frustration so loud,
Killing me loudly with his lungs,
Killing my eardrums with his screams,
Getting on my last nerve, my last nerve,
Killing me loudly, I'm gonna die!!!!!!

He cries as if he knows he's pulling on my strings.
And suddenly looks at me as if he's that doll, "Chucky".
And he's coming at me, louder, looking at me so evil.....

Expressing his pain with his lungs,
Screaming his frustration so loud,
Killing me loudly with his lungs,
Killing my eardrums with his screams,
Getting on my last nerve, my last nerve,
Killing me loudly, oh my, oh my!!!!!!

Oh, he's insane, I'm insane,
Everyone in this house is insane.
Four freaking molars at one time
Will do that,
Driving the whole family....
Insane.
With his pain.



(Poor fella.)

Imaginary Rehab

Here I sit with my imaginary shaved head in imaginary rehab. In Malibu. With my imaginary addiction that I had to imaginarily fake so that they'd admit me for pampering treatment. Ahh, this is the life. No hair to care for, someone to babysit for me 24/7, and in this elite place, for my celebrity self, I don't have chores like the ordinary rehab folks do. And I don't even have to make my own bed. Every day, I am told how to take better care of myself than I have in the last few years. I'm really liking that. Although it's great that the staff is taking care of me while I'm here.

Yesterday, I had an assignment to write a poem about someone who really touched me here at the facility. Someone I really connected with, while sober, without needing chemicals to hide behind. A natural high, a natural connection. Here it is:

"Aunt Flo"

I love you Aunt Flo,
Oh yes I do!
You don't know how relieved
I am to see beloved you!
As much as I LOVE my kids
I'm so glad there's still only two!
Oh, Aunt Flo, I love you!!!!!!!

Me Too!

I also want to shave my head after my 2nd kid. Wow, what a time-saver that would be, just shave off the beautiful, long, sexy head of hair I have. Which to be honest is such a pain in the butt most of time, I mean, when I actually have the time to make it beautiful. Shoot, if someone with access to a hairdresser 24/7 shaves it off, then why have I been going it alone with this mane anyway?

And while I'm at it, I'm just going to throw away all the pots and pans and dishes. Take-out and paper plates, I'm thinking. Yeah, I'm liking this train of thought!

The kids. Ok, I'm keeping them. But I'm locking them in a closet at any whim. Three hour nap-time will be strictly enforced.

The husband. He spoils me, best leave that arrangement alone.

Bills. Throw them away. Oh, wait. See above re: husband. Continue to toss them onto his desk.

Carpets. Rip them up and throw them away. Cement floors are all the rage for that eclectic vibe. I'm thinking warehouses aren't dusted and scrubbed and mopped to the max, right? Gotta have some dust and grime for that warehouse effect.

Bathrooms. Three boys in the house. They shall pee outside. Pee all over the base of a tree other than the base of the porcelain throne, I'm thinking. Oh, they'll love that anyway. They'll think I'm so cool! This is great!

Laundry. All clothes are disposable. Replace all clothes with new clothes. Ensuing bills? See husband.

I could go on, but, but............

gotta go........

too bloody excited....about........this........

where are my.............dog cli -



BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!