Recipe for a Redneck Traffic Stop

Yes, Ociffer, I do have beer on my breath. You see, I was a-makin me some Beer Can Chicken. Well, on that-there Beer Can (burp), s’cuz me, Chicken, you first drink half a can of beer to stick up the chicken’s butt. That’s right, Ociffer, right up her butt. Or her neck where her squawkin’ head used to be. Heck, she’s a woman, ain’t she? Can’t tell no difference. Anyway, there I wuz trying to get a half can of beer and there I done and drank over half of it. So, I opened up another can of beer, same thing. Went through my whole damned 6-pack. Now here I am, one raw chicken and no beer. So you see, I haven’t been out a-drinking, I’m simply a hard-working man trying to fix some dinner for my family. Think you could give me a po-lice escort to help me get on my way to the 7-11?

Pure Literature

There was a young lad from Nantucket
Who carried his wood in a bucket
He had harbored some hope
A sweet maid, he'd elope
Now go wash your mouth out with soap.

Why I Am Joan Crawford, Part II

With a sneer, I sneak into my toddler's room while he is playing with Daddy. I install dark curtains behind his mini-blinds. This child will sleep much later tomorrow, I vow. Ha! Ha! Sleep late my little beloved, Mommie Dearest needs her beauty rest!